soft?

i write this knowing that there are those out there that might read this and be happy with any new pains that i may be feeling. i guess that is the chance i have to take if i really want to be honest. i'm guessing that some of those folks don't think that i have ever been honest about anything so i guess none of this really matters anyway.

the bottom line is that as the father continues to soften my heart, i am finding that i am vulnerable to many more feelings of pain, loneliness, depression, and frustration that i thought possible. i guess the hardness was kind of like going into shock where the body feels no pain because if it did it just might be overwhelming. while i am a big believer in a person being "soft" in order to really share the love of god with each other or strangers for that matter, it can really come at a price. i must also say that only a person who's heart is soft can really understand the magnitude of this. now i'm not calling anyone hard or mean or anything, this is just about me. i know that before god can use me in whatever role he wants, i must be pliable and moldable for him. i don't yet know what that might entail, but i am open more to it everyday.

now what

ok, so here's the latest:

- i spent about 4 days in kerrville last week visiting some folks
- my body fat content is once again below 20% and is falling steadily
- the church i'm visiting has an intensity warning for the upcoming good friday service (cool)
- God can use me even in Little Rock
- God can use me even being divorced
- an organized and clean house is good
- living by yourself isn't
- tyler is now 8

more

ok, i know that i am not setting any new blogging records by my actions lately, but don't give up hope, i will be back soon.

just know that life is hard. being 620 miles away from your child is excruciating. and yes, in case you were wondering, with only 1 exception i have driven back to kerrville every other weekend since i moved here in december. the hard part is not the drive, but the goodbye and the look in tyler's eyes when i tell him i have to go. there are no words to comfort either of us, no scripture to keep your heart from shattering into 10,ooo little pieces, all with fragments that open up wounds that barely healed from the last visit. truth is, i don't know how to handle this.

as far as the marriage, that should be officially dissolved either this week or next. i also have to deal with words that say that i gave up or i quit or i ran away or whatever. truth on that is that i stayed probably 5 years longer than i should have. i asked for things to be different in very specific ways and was told no. it's real simple when you look at it. i see it as complete abandonment by dianna. i gave her the freedom to do whatever and basically all i wanted was an organized house that i could come home to and for friends to come over and a dinner table to have family dinners on. for that request i am being told that i am a control freak that only wants to exert complete control over somebody. the really sad part is that that's not what i want at all or that's not even me. how can a person be so blind as to not even know the person they are married to?

anyway...i left before i died. now the leaving may kill me. i don't have answers, only more questions than i have ever had in my entire life. i know less and understand fewer things than ever.

check your shoes

ok, my life is officially a pile of dog sh*t. not that it hasn't shown signs of that for some time now, but it really looks that way now. anyway i am considering maybe some advise out of proverbs 3 where it says to trust in the Lord. all the churchy answers say this is what i am supposed to do, but i dunno i guess it is worth a shot.

down but not out

ok, so here is the truth for everyone to read. apparently no one cares enough to ask even though they care enough to discuss it. (please don't ever wonder why the world hates christians - it is really hard for me not to right now and many of you are supposed to be my friends, my sunday school teachers, my parents friends, and so on.)

Truth #1 - Dianna and I are proceeding toward a divorce. I did the filing. No, I'm not going to tell you all the reasons why. It is estimated that this will be finalized (according to Dianna's attorney) before the month of Feb is out.

Truth #2 - I live alone in an apartment in Little Rock, AR. I do not have a maid, a pet, or a room mate of either sex. My name is the only name on the lease and there are no plans for anyone to join me in the occupancy of #3106.

Truth #3 - I have never hit anyone in my entire life. I most certainly did not hit or even remotely threaten to hit, smack, or otherwise cause harm to Dianna.

Truth #4 - Currently my income is higher, but not much different than it was several months ago. I am trying to do the best I can to support 2 families, which is impossible. Along with the state required percentage of my income I have been paying Dianna's house payment and car insurance. It is not my goal to see my 7 year old son and his mother live on the street or out of their car.

Truth #5 - I do not have feelings of hostility toward Dianna or any of my old friends or acquaintances in Kerrville. I am however constantly surprised to hear about how people almost got involved, but they didn't feel they should have or didn't want to make matters worse. Hello, how can things get worse? I have told people this for years - - Christians are called to get involved in other peoples lives. They are called to love them, support them, and kick their ass when they are supposed to. In my opinion the best way to show someone that you really don't give a shit is to not get involved in their life. I guess I don't need to say anything else. For the record, my cell number is still the same.

ok, so what's up

i really don't want to go into the details, but some of you need to know that i am not going through some major mid-life crisis where i am wanting to scrap my whole life in order to gain another one. in fact, have you ever walked through the home/kitchen/bath area of a major department store and realized that you have to start over, almost completely, and that you need everything, and then what you buy is only going to be for you and not a family, and not your beautiful child, not anyone. if any of you think i am romanticizing this whole notion of starting over and that i can't wait to be by myself, then you know absolutely nothing at all about me. please also keep in mind that i am not bitter, beligerent, hostile, controlling, whatever. i am simply a guy trying to live his life and to provide for his son. this is either the best or worst decision of my life - certainly the hardest. i guess only time will be the judge.

as for what i need...i need someone to care for my son. i need someone to be the father that i can't be right now. i just need someone to be my friend. i don't need anyone trying to fix my life with 3 easy bible verses or a pop-culture book on relationships. i needed you to step in years ago and intervene in an area where i was powerless, but that is all too late. i strongly believe the church needs to step in before people pull the trigger but all too often they wait until it is way too late, while all along they knew this day was coming. i'm guilty of the same, so don't hate me for feeling this way and don't tell me i'm a hostile freak again. anyway, tomorrow is another day.

a little test

sometimes its really good to find out who your real friends are. you know the ones that stick with you regardless of what you are going through. not saying that they agree with everything, but they just stick with you because they have a biblical unconditional agape type love for you. well this whole marriage thing is really showing me how very few people i can really count on to love me. i can count probably on one hand those friends that love me in spite of me. isn't that kinda what jesus did? anyway, i will write more in detail later on, but in the mean time i assure you that my current course of action has been evaluated before, during, and after by people that i believe are qualified to make biblical and sensible judgments.

for those of you that are loving me through this - thank you!! you are renewing my faith in many different ways. for those of you that curse everytime you hear my name - i'll be here for you if you ever go through the same thing. i can live without you in my life, but know that i don't want to.

k

pack the wagons, i'm outta here

ok, so for starters to catch everyone up...i just quit my job at five star in kerrville. really. i took a job with a company in tampa syniverse but i will live in Little Rock where i will take care of this account alltel. it really should be a great move for everyone, i'm sure i will be writing more in the future about this.

ok, i just thought that i wanted to write a bunch, but turns out that i don't. i will write more soon, i promise.

scared

the process of being broken is one that i don't wish on anyone and if it is all part of the big picture then part of me says to paint me out. seriously, i can't describe how painful it is to go from feeling like a man of god with some things figured out to a scared little boy who knows he doesn't know anything about anything. the details don't matter right now and i'm not sure if they ever will.

where's the safe landing

there are obviously many, many things that i don't understand about the grace and comfort of God. number one being - where is it when i need it the most? for me it's like slamming your car into a tree at 90 mph only to find out that the air bags don't work. don't get me wrong - my faith doesn't waiver. it just seems to be only a one-way faith right now. all the christian-ese and stuff we talk about (when our lives are relatively painless) seem to be just a bunch of words right now. i feel convicted of offering cheap meaningless comfort and hope to those over the years that really needed it.

something is majorly wrong with this situation and i don't remember signing up to learn this lesson.

where are you

i guess growing up sometimes leaves little to be desired- like the feeling that you miss the person you used to be? maybe it was the innocence, or the carefree attitude, or just the hope that the best years of your life are right around the corner. whatever it may be, waking up and finding yourself deep in the middle of nowhere is a harsh reality.

i went for a drive tonite. i love to drive, really do. it started off with just a desire to find a cd that i heard on the radio (and yes i know that i could have downloaded it from iTunes cheaper) and i found myself on one of kerr county's famous deer dodging and tire squealing, curvy beyond all reason roads. And then i remembered that i could turn the a/c off, turn the radio up (to damaging levels), downshift a gear more than i should have and haul ass.

i did just that.

it was good.

it's weird. i've been driving this small SUV for almost 2 years yet i had forgotten what fun, fulfillment, and joy could come from a little over the edge, somewhat dangerous, driving and i guess to some degree i had forgotten the same thing about life. by nature i'm a risk taker. i love the thought that my next move could be my last or it could be my best ever. that's where i think i am. about to take some risks. about to stretch out to see if i can find who i used to be. about to start over in some ways that i just can't talk about yet.

i think i'm gonna hope again that the best years of my life are just around the corner and i can't wait to tell you about them.

PAX

fill in

ok, so it has been awhile since i last blogged and this one is not going to be real exciting either. anyway, i am going to dfw for a few days for a business trip, i cleaned out my sock drawer, and i washed the rodeo. see, told you this was boring.

on a different note, our church started a saturday nite service 'cause there was no more room in the sun morn service. last sat was the first run and there was a good crowd. come to find out it also serves a purpose to help minister to those from other churches that aren't being filled at their own. it was great to see representatives from all the local baptist congregations in town (kidding).

have a great week.

all is quiet

last night was the first night in several when all the sutton clan was home and sleeping soundly. for the last 2 days, dianna has been at methodist hospital in SA having a revision to her spinal shunt and tyler has been home with me. the night before last, very unexpectedly, his bout with strep kicked up again and he got really sick. the doc said that if he doesn't improve then he would be on his way to the respiratory unit at the local hospital as well. he slept almost all day yesterday and all night last night and he seems to be back to his old self this morning. wonders what a little time and some powerful prayer will do. (by the way, don't think it was the meds, he was way too sick yesterday to keep any down.)

ok, off to work. somehow i've got to pay for all of this. :)

rock me soulsparilla

it was nice to once again have young blood and loud music and lots of it at clay street. last saturday nite we had 6 different acts (4 bands, 1 solo artist, and 1 mom and pop dj) for a high school audience. the music was really good and we probably had over 300 teenagers in the building. i am really hoping that this ministry will continue as clay street seeks the father in the direction he wants for them. i join them in prayer too as i learn to release them from what i want them to be to supporting them in what they are supposed to be. anyway, here are some pics of the concert.






we also had a little car accident incident that i thought was worth mentioning. you see being that we had 300 teens in the building and the place is a church and all, we expected some type of messing with. well aside from my sound and light guy standing me up, all was going well...until a car ran into a tree right behind the building. now many of my baptisty friends see this as a coicidence, but i don't know. i guess i am starting to believe the scripture that says we wrestle not with flesh and blood but with powers and principalities and the rulers of darkness. well if this van hadn't hit the tree it very likely might have come through the back of our building. hmm, i don't buy the coincidence thing for a second. we were also protected in that no one was hurt outside either.

so

so do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by people but feel completely alone?

i do.

the big show

gotta show at clay street this weekend that should be really good. i crack on these guys alot because i want to see them reach the potential that i see for them but one area that i really admire them for is allowing folks to come in and do their thing (as far as music and preaching is concerned). so many facilities around here will let you come in but only if you look and smell and act like they do. well hell. if they are just like you, then you don't need them to come in. ah hah, said the blind man to his deaf and dumb girlfriend...

anyway, there will be 4 bands this saturday and i have arranged for my pro sound guy that does big shows to come in and set some things up. this has always been a dream of mine, really since i was little, to be a part of something like this. it will be even better because the first set will be worship (i think) and the second set will be Wade Sparkman who has developed over the years and is amazing on vocals. Sets 3 and 4 are SA bands that may or may not be any good.

just for some extra thump we are gonna bring in some much larger sub cabinets cause the JBL 18" cabs that clay street has need to be re-coned. these are supposed to be rated at 5,ooo watts each with at least 2 subs in each cabinet. apparently you need a couple of guys to move them. to power these cabs we will use special 3-phase amps that put out who knows how much power. of course to power the amps we will have to bring in a generator b/c the building just doesn't have enough power. doesn't this just sound goooood. after this is done we will bring in 2 trusses of lights (not sure what will be on them) that we should be able to hang from the rafters. to power the lights we will use a hog 500 controller that i hear is pretty neat. to put all of this in perspective...this same equipment was used for the linkin park / korn concert at verizon wireless amphitheater last weekend in SA. of course we will only use a fraction of the equipment.
well that's enough for now. i hope you have a great week and come to the show if u are in the kerr area this sat around 8p.

teen spirit

some where in my mp3 download days i klepto'd a copy of a tori amos live version of smells like teen spirit and it is amazing. i know that one of my fellow bloggers is probably her biggest fan ever, but this one song makes me want to buy everything she has ever recorded. i don't understand how she can make the piano come alive and move you to emotions you didn't know you had. oh, and i hear that this isn't even one of her "good" songs. wow!

what box?

i read something this week published by a motivational speaker for businesses but it applies to churches as well...

you can't have an out-of-the-box experience when all you have are in-the-box metaphors.

the other one i like that we have all seen is...

a fool is a person that keeps doing the same thing while expecting different results.

people come on. step up to the plate and bat! get in the game, get off your butt and get after it. clay street if you aren't gonna do anything then give yourself a break and attend mass somewhere that is insect free. if not, then start kicking some ass and let's change this community. out of the 4 guys in leadership, only one understands (also the only one that will probably read this) and you have a tough job ahead of you, but i know you can do it. just write some things down, get a little more organized, get everyone on the same page, and get on with it. oh, and i would pray like you've never prayed before.

have a great week!

where??

i'm in utica, illinois today and it's about 55 degrees outside. sorry to all of my friends back in texas that are sweaty and smelly in the heat (that sounds tacky - but sounds like me) but it is really nice here.

anyway, have a great week.

when heaven invades earth

i just finished a book by bill johnson called when heaven invades earth. it is about the miraculous power of God coming to our everyday lives. it was completely liberating because many of my frustrations with the church, for a long time, were dealt with. i sincerely feel that as believers we have adopted an non-biblical tradition and teaching because we suck when it comes to experiencing the power of God. face it, we do and we have. to put it differently, i am so glad that i came to know christ at an early age, because the traditional modern day baptist church on every corner or the post-modern wanna be warehouse (traditional baptist) church doesn't have anything for me. nothing.

anyway, i am going to walk down a new path with others who believe that God still moves in the physical, through his saints (that's us in case you have forgotten). i've never seen the gold dust thing, or oil on the hands or feathers, but i am not so closed minded to think that if God wanted to do something like that he could and certainly would. personally in my life right now, i need some of God in the physical. i guess you could argue that i need more faith or whatever, but really i just need more of Him - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - the whole package. And i want to be the whole package. i want to walk in His power and not mine anymore.

on another note...my dj friend that made it big in the business has just accecpted Jesus and is looking to turn his life around and is moving back to kerrville. so it looks like the church on bluebonnet street has a new member.

blessings!