ok, so here's the latest:
- i spent about 4 days in kerrville last week visiting some folks
- my body fat content is once again below 20% and is falling steadily
- the church i'm visiting has an intensity warning for the upcoming good friday service (cool)
- God can use me even in Little Rock
- God can use me even being divorced
- an organized and clean house is good
- living by yourself isn't
- tyler is now 8
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
more
ok, i know that i am not setting any new blogging records by my actions lately, but don't give up hope, i will be back soon.
just know that life is hard. being 620 miles away from your child is excruciating. and yes, in case you were wondering, with only 1 exception i have driven back to kerrville every other weekend since i moved here in december. the hard part is not the drive, but the goodbye and the look in tyler's eyes when i tell him i have to go. there are no words to comfort either of us, no scripture to keep your heart from shattering into 10,ooo little pieces, all with fragments that open up wounds that barely healed from the last visit. truth is, i don't know how to handle this.
as far as the marriage, that should be officially dissolved either this week or next. i also have to deal with words that say that i gave up or i quit or i ran away or whatever. truth on that is that i stayed probably 5 years longer than i should have. i asked for things to be different in very specific ways and was told no. it's real simple when you look at it. i see it as complete abandonment by dianna. i gave her the freedom to do whatever and basically all i wanted was an organized house that i could come home to and for friends to come over and a dinner table to have family dinners on. for that request i am being told that i am a control freak that only wants to exert complete control over somebody. the really sad part is that that's not what i want at all or that's not even me. how can a person be so blind as to not even know the person they are married to?
anyway...i left before i died. now the leaving may kill me. i don't have answers, only more questions than i have ever had in my entire life. i know less and understand fewer things than ever.
just know that life is hard. being 620 miles away from your child is excruciating. and yes, in case you were wondering, with only 1 exception i have driven back to kerrville every other weekend since i moved here in december. the hard part is not the drive, but the goodbye and the look in tyler's eyes when i tell him i have to go. there are no words to comfort either of us, no scripture to keep your heart from shattering into 10,ooo little pieces, all with fragments that open up wounds that barely healed from the last visit. truth is, i don't know how to handle this.
as far as the marriage, that should be officially dissolved either this week or next. i also have to deal with words that say that i gave up or i quit or i ran away or whatever. truth on that is that i stayed probably 5 years longer than i should have. i asked for things to be different in very specific ways and was told no. it's real simple when you look at it. i see it as complete abandonment by dianna. i gave her the freedom to do whatever and basically all i wanted was an organized house that i could come home to and for friends to come over and a dinner table to have family dinners on. for that request i am being told that i am a control freak that only wants to exert complete control over somebody. the really sad part is that that's not what i want at all or that's not even me. how can a person be so blind as to not even know the person they are married to?
anyway...i left before i died. now the leaving may kill me. i don't have answers, only more questions than i have ever had in my entire life. i know less and understand fewer things than ever.
