happy happy joy joy

ok, i need to catch you up but first - merry christmas. i hope all who read this have a great time with family and friends and hopefully a few days off work.

where to begin...

i had been really waiting to see where God wants me to plug in to the church that i have been attending and it seems that i have found the place. i will be part of the lighting crew and will be learning Final Cut Pro to hopefully help with videos one day. it is real exciting to see the things that this church body is wanting to put in place. part of me really wishes that the creativity of TSC and the finances of NLC could come together and do some great things. then again i guess i was a small part of the creativity of TSC and i will do my best to remember the great fun things that nathan, amy, shannon, stacy, lora, carl, regina, mike, reggie, kerri, wade and many others did. it is real exciting to be in the place that new life church is in right now. they are really hungry for spiritual things and God is coming alive in so many ways there. i just can't wait for the next few years to unfold.

hmm, that is the most exciting thing that has happened to me so all other things are hard to remember.

my dad is coming into town on monday. i am really looking forward to seeing him and spending some fun time together. last time he was here was when i moved to AR and that wasn't such a fun time. things will be much simpler on this trip. i can't wait.

i saw the trans-siberian orchestra in concert last night. it was really good. if you have a chance to see them then i would recommend it.

that's about all for now. have a good Christmas.

PAX

blessed

i had a very nice weekend. I was able to attend worship at my church both on sat evening and sun morning. i really like my church and they do an excellent job of making you feel welcomed. i am back in the mode where i wish everyday was sunday so i could go to church. i haven't felt like that in years and i really like it and hope it never goes away this time.

a little down under worship

ok, so we have all known about darlene and her worship team at hillsong and how annointed they are but i actually bought their latest worship dvd just for a change. actually my church here in LR is doing much of their music, so i thought why not. i must say that its pretty good. it looks like they have taken some cues from their hillsong united counterparts and have cranked up the volume, the lights, the sound, and especially the foggers. it made me want to jump the next flight south of the equator and join in on the fun. it was really refreshing to watch it. i just hope that i can get some time at reggie's house to listen to how good this can sound on a real sound system.

PAX

my roommate

ok, so i don't exactly have a roommate but i did purchase a new iMac and it really seems to have a personality that i love. i promise i won't re-mention all of the wonderful things it does, being that i am probably the last of the clan to convert from PC. well, from what i can tell...all those things are true.

well - i do have to say one thing - the mac does what i need and so far it works flawlessly. i saw my sister this weekend who had created a wonderful slide show in windows movie maker and i am so sad that now she cant really do anything with it without having to convert and convert and convert it to some other program so she can run it on a dvd player. now i know there is editing software for PC out there, but i'm talking the built in stuff. mac just has it all there. i have already burned my first dvd and it looks better than anything i have ever created.

oh well...off to try to help my sis out. maybe i'll get her a mac for christmas.

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

part of Mark Schultz's song "He's my son"

restoration

yesterday driving down the road listening to a worship cd i noticed that one of the songs on it was one of my favorites. in fact it was one of those songs that i thought i'd never be able to listen to again because of memories and feelings and such attached to it. finally when i broke down and played the song i realized that the version on the cd was excellent or at least i liked it better than the original. i then came to understand what the father means when he begins to make all things new. now before i write anymore please understand that my life is still crap. i have no desire to be all rosey and fake and say that life is once again perfect because i found a church and a song. i have always been frustrated when believers make a big display and say that EVERYTHING is perfect now. baloney. i do think it is ok to say that life sucks less than it used to and i will give that credit to God.

my point is that i have been pretty vocal with some of you in regard to my frustrations with God lately. that's just me trying to be honest and to work out my own salvation. in order to be true to that i also want to say that i believe that the Father is starting to return to me some of which has been taken. maybe a song is not much or a church service is not much but it is a start. i honestly believe that the restoration of my life is beginning. i don't know what that really means or how long that will take or anything else. i just want to say that i believe the process is starting and i want to honor God in that recognition.

happy tuesday!

church, life, new...New Life Church

well it seems that with 8 months of church shopping behind me that i have finally found a place to belong - www.newlifechurchonline.com. it is actually the church that i found on the Internet before i moved here...just for whatever reason i never visited there until just now. tyler has been there all this last week at vacation bible school which, before you throw up, was done in Fear Factor style and was actually quite organized and as profesionally gross as the TV show. at the end, the winning coaches had to consume what was supposed to be a cochroach milkshake, although i didn't care to verify the contents. i wish there had been something like that when i was his age.

also last night i went to a service of theirs called elevation. it was an 8pm service (now where have i heard that start time before?) and it was a very large warehousey room with standing room only, full of college kids all singing, jumping, and so on. the thing about it was that i wouldn't want to change a thing about it. yeah!! as far as the candles...they are just for the picture...the place was completely minimalistic except for the sound system which was large and very well engineered. goodie!!!

have a happy monday.

homesick

do you ever get homesick, but then you stop and think that you can't really put your finger on where "home" is anyway? home for me isn't a place where i grew up or even a place where my family is from but just a place that i have spent some time and have some good memories of. a lot of that has changed now with many good memories being replaced by bad ones, but i guess that is just how life evolves. i remember riding around in the truck with carl gordon one day thinking that life couldn't possibly get any better than it was at that moment. it was almost like the Father said to cherish this moment for whatever reason. i never shared that with carl but probably should have. anyway i remember feeling at home and i don't know why now and i remember not knowing why at that moment either, just that i was "home" and things were good and i was at that moment a round peg in a round hole. i've kinda lived my whole life for that one moment in time and i will always remember it.

sometimes i wonder if the Father wants it that way. i mean if we fit in so perfectly down here then why leave it? what motivation would there be to desire eternal things in a heavenly place or in whatever your depiction of the afterlife looks like? i dunno. ok, i'm wandering in my typing...but the point is that we all have a desire (i think) to belong or have a place of belonging or something like that and i wonder if we can ever truly find it a part from christ.

whattayouthink?

one of my favorite pics of tyler before the big haircut - taken with my trusty alltel phone.

boys were made for fun cars

i haven't read many good books lately, well i haven't read much of anything lately, good or bad. i guess it is time to start back up.

so...

if anyone has any recommendations on what to or not to read then please pass them along. there is a pretty nice library here in LR that i go to quite often (it is downtown where i like to be and the parking is free).

happy monday.

today

well today is my birthday and for whatever reason birthdays are a big deal to me. i started the day off in tampa and then flew to chicago and then ended up in little rock around noon. i like traveling and flying and airports (sans security) so it was kinda fun to get to do that today. outside of receiving calls from some of the important people in my life, it was an overall sad day. of course probably because i am focusing on the negative when in fact this next year will be one of renewal and rebuilding in which i should aggressively embrace. i do have a ton of stuff to be thankful for, really, but when everything around me gets quiet then it also gets a little lonesome too. i know that won't be forever, but right now it feels like it will. i have always been afraid of quiet. i am one of those guys that likes to stay in downtown hotels and open the windows to hear all of the police cars, emergency vehicles, and delivery trucks doing their jobs during the night. there's a strange comfort to the noise.

well tomorrow i think i will try to sprint up pinnacle mountain. it really is more of a hill than a mountain but it works for the locals. for my birthday i'm giving myself the gift of physical fitness. don't laugh, this is a big deal for me. i have the body style that is perfect for lounging on the couch in my boxers while eating twinkies and drinking mountain dew all day so making a commitment like this will not be easy.

ok, off to sleep. PAX

soft?

i write this knowing that there are those out there that might read this and be happy with any new pains that i may be feeling. i guess that is the chance i have to take if i really want to be honest. i'm guessing that some of those folks don't think that i have ever been honest about anything so i guess none of this really matters anyway.

the bottom line is that as the father continues to soften my heart, i am finding that i am vulnerable to many more feelings of pain, loneliness, depression, and frustration that i thought possible. i guess the hardness was kind of like going into shock where the body feels no pain because if it did it just might be overwhelming. while i am a big believer in a person being "soft" in order to really share the love of god with each other or strangers for that matter, it can really come at a price. i must also say that only a person who's heart is soft can really understand the magnitude of this. now i'm not calling anyone hard or mean or anything, this is just about me. i know that before god can use me in whatever role he wants, i must be pliable and moldable for him. i don't yet know what that might entail, but i am open more to it everyday.

now what

ok, so here's the latest:

- i spent about 4 days in kerrville last week visiting some folks
- my body fat content is once again below 20% and is falling steadily
- the church i'm visiting has an intensity warning for the upcoming good friday service (cool)
- God can use me even in Little Rock
- God can use me even being divorced
- an organized and clean house is good
- living by yourself isn't
- tyler is now 8

more

ok, i know that i am not setting any new blogging records by my actions lately, but don't give up hope, i will be back soon.

just know that life is hard. being 620 miles away from your child is excruciating. and yes, in case you were wondering, with only 1 exception i have driven back to kerrville every other weekend since i moved here in december. the hard part is not the drive, but the goodbye and the look in tyler's eyes when i tell him i have to go. there are no words to comfort either of us, no scripture to keep your heart from shattering into 10,ooo little pieces, all with fragments that open up wounds that barely healed from the last visit. truth is, i don't know how to handle this.

as far as the marriage, that should be officially dissolved either this week or next. i also have to deal with words that say that i gave up or i quit or i ran away or whatever. truth on that is that i stayed probably 5 years longer than i should have. i asked for things to be different in very specific ways and was told no. it's real simple when you look at it. i see it as complete abandonment by dianna. i gave her the freedom to do whatever and basically all i wanted was an organized house that i could come home to and for friends to come over and a dinner table to have family dinners on. for that request i am being told that i am a control freak that only wants to exert complete control over somebody. the really sad part is that that's not what i want at all or that's not even me. how can a person be so blind as to not even know the person they are married to?

anyway...i left before i died. now the leaving may kill me. i don't have answers, only more questions than i have ever had in my entire life. i know less and understand fewer things than ever.

check your shoes

ok, my life is officially a pile of dog sh*t. not that it hasn't shown signs of that for some time now, but it really looks that way now. anyway i am considering maybe some advise out of proverbs 3 where it says to trust in the Lord. all the churchy answers say this is what i am supposed to do, but i dunno i guess it is worth a shot.

down but not out

ok, so here is the truth for everyone to read. apparently no one cares enough to ask even though they care enough to discuss it. (please don't ever wonder why the world hates christians - it is really hard for me not to right now and many of you are supposed to be my friends, my sunday school teachers, my parents friends, and so on.)

Truth #1 - Dianna and I are proceeding toward a divorce. I did the filing. No, I'm not going to tell you all the reasons why. It is estimated that this will be finalized (according to Dianna's attorney) before the month of Feb is out.

Truth #2 - I live alone in an apartment in Little Rock, AR. I do not have a maid, a pet, or a room mate of either sex. My name is the only name on the lease and there are no plans for anyone to join me in the occupancy of #3106.

Truth #3 - I have never hit anyone in my entire life. I most certainly did not hit or even remotely threaten to hit, smack, or otherwise cause harm to Dianna.

Truth #4 - Currently my income is higher, but not much different than it was several months ago. I am trying to do the best I can to support 2 families, which is impossible. Along with the state required percentage of my income I have been paying Dianna's house payment and car insurance. It is not my goal to see my 7 year old son and his mother live on the street or out of their car.

Truth #5 - I do not have feelings of hostility toward Dianna or any of my old friends or acquaintances in Kerrville. I am however constantly surprised to hear about how people almost got involved, but they didn't feel they should have or didn't want to make matters worse. Hello, how can things get worse? I have told people this for years - - Christians are called to get involved in other peoples lives. They are called to love them, support them, and kick their ass when they are supposed to. In my opinion the best way to show someone that you really don't give a shit is to not get involved in their life. I guess I don't need to say anything else. For the record, my cell number is still the same.